Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
