Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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