you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
