it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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