She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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