Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
