Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
