It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.