My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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