i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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