I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
