I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
