Umm I'm too high to move.
Jerry, you need to find god
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
