I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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