WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
