I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
