He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
