shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
