I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pants are for mortals
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
