Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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