I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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