he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
