u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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