It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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