Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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