Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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