Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
