Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
