so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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