when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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