My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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