you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
