Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
