tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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