woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
