My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
