I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
