I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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