Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
