What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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