I just threw up on my dentist
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
