Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
