I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
