I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
pop tarts are not kleenex
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
