cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
