i jhust puked up my retainher.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
