we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
