im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
