My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
