someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
