All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
