We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
