he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize