I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
