Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
