Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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