I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
