Betty ford says i'm here all night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
