I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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