If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i think i just lost a toe
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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