If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
