he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
