so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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