True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
